September 7, 2012 by benmblackman
‘I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a Mother, I’m a sinner, I’m a saint, I do not feel ashamed’.
My name’s Ben and I’m a lazy workaholic. How did that happen? When did that happen? Not the lazy bit, I’ve always been lazy. Or at least I think I have been? I love relaxing, I love sitting, I love doing nothing. But do I any more? I’m writing this blog instead of sitting and doing nothing. My wife is out working, my daughter is in bed asleep, this is prime loafing time yet I sit and write. Well this seems sensible because I have come to realise that writing is my love and something I enjoy more than any other hobby.
Work wise though, how and when did I become a workaholic? I’m at pains to ensure you add
the word ‘lazy’ before ‘workaholic’ because I don’t truly believe I am one. It just looks that way from time to time. It has to. I’m not a natural workaholic or one who embraces it. I’m a family man and a lazy man at heart but in my job you certainly couldn’t, and shouldn’t, do it unless you are willing to give it your all. That said, I know some who don’t. I’d rather be a writer any day but whilst I’ve got a day job (and I assume I always will), I’ll be giving it my best shot, even when that means late nights and weekends (sob).
Leader but Follower
I am a leader at work. I realise how pompous that sounds. That’s why it’s a contradiction with my true personality again, I’m sure of it. I’d rather ‘just’ be part of the team. I always see myself as that (and I think it’s important to be, even when you are a leader). But I am a leader. How did that happen? Those who know me well in a work capacity know the score but many others get the wrong idea, I’m sure. They assume I love to lead, have some worldwide domination evil masterplan, even thrive on it perhaps. Those who know me well outside of work would be surprised if they saw me 9-5. They know the real me, the quieter one (no sign of pomposity I hope) the one who stands at the back, not the front.
Technology versus Tradition
I love technology but never want tradition to die. I write on my Macbook (not as cool these
days now so many oiks like me have jumped on the bandwagon), have always had an obsession with gadgets (I thank my late Grandpah for that – he’s dead I mean, not always late, he had too many gadgets to be late). I love twitter and the internet, digital music too but I can’t bear the thought of technology taking over tradition. I hate email and would return to the days before it any day, loathe the fact I have to use an online calendar instead of paper diary and embrace writing in my lovely journal with my pen whenever I get the
chance. As much as I love the potential to download any song at my whim (and often do), I will never tire of my Roberts radio and vinyl records (I’ve got my Granny to thank for that. Late again, and this time unfortunately in both senses of the word).
Years ago I did a personality test thing – Myers Briggs. They (not
literally Myers & Briggs – they were busy that day – but the people who did the test) told me I was an ‘introverted extrovert’ (and that I didn’t get the job). I loved the flow of that contradiction of a term and used to say it a lot but (aged 20) didn’t really understand what it meant about me. I do now, it was spot on and still is. I’m glad that the extrovert has come out more as I’ve aged (it was so hard and boring being shy and paranoid all the time) but I’m always grateful that the introvert is my mainstay. If it was all extrovert I know I’d be an absolute idiot. For now, I hope I’m ‘just’ and idiot!
Other blogs highlighting my contradictions include: