The Ikea Years


October 1, 2012 by benmblackman

Like a poor man’s John Lewis advert, you can chart the stages of any long-term relationship through, what I like to call, the Ikea years.


Please ensure you listen to an amazing classic song of yesteryear (re-recorded in a really slow and over emotional version for modern day Christmas advertising potential). You can click on this link for Ffye Dangerfield – She’s Always a Woman 


Mothers and Daughters

The mothers and daughters are easy to spot in Ikea, they’re the only ones enjoying themselves. Daddy’s credit card will have been handed over in return for a free pass not to attend (well worth it whatever the financial cost). What these twosomes lack in manpower for shifting heavy flatpacks they make up for in flirtation and guile. Never underestimate these teams, they have been known to procure and transport whole kitchens home in Renault Clio (2 doors).

Once the daughter is suitably nested in her own (Ikea furnished) apartment, she weaves her web and snares a boyfriend soon enough.

Girlfriends & Boyfriends

In the early stages of courtship, the girlfriend possesses enough sex appeal to ensure the boyfriend agrees to anything she ‘suggests’ (in this case a trip to Ikea). The poor fella probably even assumes it might be enjoyable. He looks forward to ‘snuggling up’ on the Moheda corner sofabed when they get home. A trip to the outskirts of Warrington on a rainy Sunday afternoon is but a small price to pay. Little does he know the only reason he’ll be on his back later will be because he put it out assembling the beast! Aged just 23, what a waste.

Husbands & Wives (B.C – Before Children)

The back recovers and the memories of woe fade. Girlfriend and boyfriend progress to husband and wife. Sofa beds have turned to his & her matching Hemnes bedside tables.

Still in the early stages of marriage, if he plays his cards right the matching Basish bedside lamps might be turned out later. Like 10% of babies born in the 1990’s, the Aspelurd bed frame might just add it’s own little bit of magic to their family (if he manages to assemble it without putting his back out again).

Husbands & Wives (A.D – After Daughter)

A Hensvik cot follows before B.C becomes A.D (after daughter). As the brood continues to grow the marital bedroom and downstairs of the house have long been forgotten by now. Any available funds are spent vainly hoping to ensure their children rest at some point in the next 15 years before the sleep deprivation finally cracks the poor parents.

No more snuggly sofas now. It’s all Norddal bunk beds and Kusiner storeage baskets for the toys.

The Second Honeymooners

There is, of course, a happy ending. Once the kids have finally flown the nest, the second honeymooners will visit Ikea to pass the time. Retired with time on their hands, what else is there to do on a Sunday afternoon? Experienced enough to know the relationship pitfalls of joint Ikea trips (Ikea Fear) they arrive together but split after coffee and sandwiches at the M&S Café round the corner. Their palates are far too refined for Ikea Café produce these days. Meatballs and dime bar cakes? Not with their cholesterols.

He remains in the car reading the newspaper (iPad edition), ready to swoop to the Loading Area as soon as she tweets him from her iPhone. She is too wise to fall for the majority of the merchandise these days and since the endowment has matured can afford to go to John Lewis for any flatpack requirements anyhow. She just likes to go for the memories really. Well that and one of those washing up brushes with a rubber bottom to stick to the Belfast sink back at the country pad.


One thought on “The Ikea Years

  1. MelJd46 says:

    ah praps thats the reason I dont get the “IKEA” thing – long term relationship – not got one of them… though cant see me having one with someone who is into “retail” either so probably condemned in the eyes of society to spinsterhood. Its ok to be a spinster and probably a lot more economically viable in the long term

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