Boris Vs Ben

7

October 6, 2012 by benmblackman

As far as I’m concerned, if Boris has got a chance of becoming our next Prime Minister then so have I. Plebs – read my 10 election promises for ‘when I’m Prime Minister.’

::STOP READING::

Please ensure you listen to a suitable uplifting electro 90’s pop tune to accompany my following (shouted and fist on table pounded) pledges. You can click on this link for D:Ream – Things Can Only Get Better

::START READING AGAIN::

4 Day Week

Good for the economy (refreshed and invigorated workforce) and good for individuals (more jobs for more people) this is a no brainer and should be a votes winner with all working age voters.

No Carrier Bags

An environmentally friendly carriage solution will be issued at birth and will, literally, be a ‘bag for life.’ Don’t come crying to me if you lose it, it’s the only one you’ll get. Subsidies for (funky) Granny style wheely trolley things will be available to all.

 

Set Age Group Days at Supermarkets

They went mad for the bogof Soreen deal on OAP Monday

One of my more controversial policies will see age group brackets being allocated set days of the week to visit supermarkets. This will ensure the same speed and intensity of shopping is maintained on any given day (eg. Monday’s are OAP days where a more relaxed, pushing in, moaning element of shopping is found compared to Friday’s which are 18-30’s days where a bigger emphasis on WKD, frozen pizza and tobacco purchasing is found).

Bank of Dave becomes Bank of England

King of the Dave’s

Bank of Dave will be rolled out across the UK. A suitably charismatic (and mad) ‘Dave’ from each region will be appointed to oversee each regional franchise (all reporting to my new Governor of the Bank of England, ‘King of Dave’s’ – Dave Fishwick).

Refused credit based on the fact that you once missed a payment on a Britannnia Music Club scheme back in 1989 will no longer apply. Your local Dave will assess each credit application at face value. If you’re ‘good for it’ and he trusts you, you’re in.

Rich people will invest their money in Bank of Dave to ensure poor people can borrow it.

Free Milk in Schools

The Prime Minister’s of tomorrow (please note, in reality, only my daughter is likely to fulfill this role) will once more get free milk at school. Ipad’s will be banned and handwriting encouraged. Turkey Twizzlers will be out and healthy options promoted. Home Economics and languages championed once more, Sports Days will be compulsory. Health & Safety excuses will not be tolerated.

A new key area of inspection for OFSTED will focus around teachers who insist on pretending to friends and family that they have a hard life. Any teacher trying to con the masses that 13 weeks holiday a year is a difficult gig will be made an example of. ‘But we have to work late a lot.’ You’re fired.

Free Espresso at Work

Working parents will each receive 1 free espresso coffee at work. To ensure equality and a productive economy, all non-parents will also receive free espressos.

To make up for the fact that teachers now hate me, they can have 2 each per day.

Anybody calling this ‘expresso’ will be severely reprimanded.

Workers over the age of 65 (there are millions thanks to the mess our last governments got us in to) will have the option of their preferred choice ‘cappuccino.’ My Government will reintroduce the age 65 retirement age.

Free Music Festival Day Once a Year

Banned

Like the Fête de la Musique in France, we will hold an annual public holiday celebrating the magical gift of music. A 24 hour celebration to mark the beginning of the summer solstice, amateur and professional musicians will be encouraged to perform in the streets. All concerts must be free to the public and musicians must donate their time for free. On this special day of the year, Madonna is not permitted to perform or be seen wearing a leotard at any point. For clarification, H from Steps is not classed as a musician.

Virgin Trains to keep the West Coast Mainline

This is too much for one person. Show some restraint

Virgin Trains will keep the West Coast Mainline (no questions asked). With their increased profits they will be required to offer all passengers free choc-ices (like on the planes). Their affordable weekend upgrades to First Class scheme will not be eligible for: football supporters wearing full replica kits and any members of society who cannot display restraint with regards to ‘complimentary’ products on offer in the promised land. Free water? It’s just water people!

No VAT on Lady Products

A clear vote winner with the ladies, ‘Lady Products’ will be zero rated VAT (you might remember from school debates that this is not the case – also, that testing on animals and capital punishment are bad). In return, men will never be expected to buy such products at shops on behalf of their girlfriends / wife’s and certainly not be required to acknowledge such products by name or engage in conversations about them at any time. Images of women swimming; diving; sprinting; dancing; skipping; jumping: horse riding; roller skating; performing gymnastics; will not be allowed in the advertising of ‘Lady Products.’

Dress down Fridays

Just 2 bro’s, hanging out

Dress down Friday’s will be compulsory in all sectors (including Government). However, no politicians will ever be allowed to wear: chinos / polo shirt combination; jacket casually slung over shoulder; navy blue wollen jumper wrapped over shoulders.

‘Wacky’ ties will be banned in workplaces across the land. ‘The kids bought it for me’ is no excuse. You’re an adult, dress yourself and dress like one.

I will, of course, wear red trousers.

If you want two Big Ben’s in London, vote Blackman!

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7 thoughts on “Boris Vs Ben

  1. Donna Wren says:

    As always FAB … Your blogs always make me chuckle and also to the people I force to read/listen to me read them! You have my vote 🙂

  2. I realise this will have you up in arms – and indeed if you were prime minister you would want to sack me – quite frankly that would be a welcome development at the moment but to quote:

    “A new key area of inspection for OFSTED will focus around teachers who insist on pretending to friends and family that they have a hard life. Any teacher trying to con the masses that 13 weeks holiday a year is a difficult gig will be made an example of. ‘But we have to work late a lot.’ You’re fired.”

    I can’t talk for secondary colleagues – but my primary colleagues are averaging an average of 60 hours a week at the moment – that’s an average of 43 hours a week over 52 weeks with no holiday. They don’t need to ‘pretend to family and friends’ their family and friends never see them and when they do are concerned for their health as they are depressed, overworked, over-judged, underpaid and totally unappreciated for the VERY HARD job they do. Never judge until you have walked in that person’s shoes dear friend x.

    PS children do get free milk until they are 5 and you are able to choose (in most schools) to purchase or send in milk for them when they reach 5.

    PPS I didn’t read past the OFSTED bit because you upset me!

    • benmblackman says:

      Miss Heather!
      I’m so sorry! Seriously.
      I was going to just write – ‘you’re fired’ but decided against that.
      The good news is that I am not planning to run for Prime Minister, so you are safe to endure the rubbish working conditions the government has you in currently for some time longer (not such good news). My blogs are always in jest and I never wish to offend, upset or annoy anybody with them and realise I have done so in this case. Dude, you know what I do for a living – believe me I know the troublesome times people live in right now and that any public sector, statutory sector, voluntary sector job is no bed of roses. Equally, I know if you’re in the private sector times are just as hard and so many people I know have been made redundant in the last 2 years effecting pretty much every family and friendship group I am in. I know that teachers work hard really (when they’re not on holiday – joooooooooke) and very much appreciate them. I still remember fondly many teachers (primary and secondary) who made me what I am today (quite an annoying blogger if you’re a teacher but I’ve done a bit of work in the charity sector to make up for that and even written a few valid points on blogs of past I do hope). You didn’t read past the OFTED bit? You won’t know of my next policy then – ‘Free Espresso to all Working Parents – Working parents will each receive 1 free espresso coffee at work. To ensure equality and a productive economy, all non-parents will also receive free espressos. To make up for the fact that teachers now hate me, they can have 2 each per day.’
      As a penance for my cheeky posting I propose one of the following:
      1) You write a guest blog replying to my scurrilous accusations;
      or
      2) I will try to post a blog about teaching and what it’s really like myself one day soon.
      Have you read my blog about ‘iPads in schools?’ Probably best to skip over that one too (unless you are against them that is like me – eek).
      Good to know free milk is still happening!
      Lots of love and apologies again. I mean no hard. I come with peace and love.
      Ben
      xxx

      • Awwww thankyou my love – two espressos and I am easily won over – to be honest I am just a grumpy shit and I probably just turned into some kind of crazy monster at the mere thought of a new OFSTED judgement. OFSTED OFSTED bloody OFSTED it’s all I ever hear and to be honest I just want to go to work and teach the children the good way I know how and it doesn’t take all the hours in the week to do that. Jumping through hoops and filling in copious amounts of paper work for those delightful inspectors is what does take the time. I have indeed started ranting again. Sorry.

        You are actually quite funny please ignore my sense of humor failure! x x x

        PS iPads in schools – I don’t really care in one way or another there are many styles of good teacher out there.
        All that I have seen are capable of teaching in different ways with different tools. Some are better at teaching with technology than others. I believe it would be a shame to stifle great teaching because someone doesn’t have access to a tool that would develop the teaching and learning in their class or on the flipside is forced to use a tool they are not confident using.
        I do think expensive technology tools should be pooled (like they used to be in our local authority – which is dissolving before my very eyes). This gives people a chance to experiment before committing very tight budgets to items not used.

      • benmblackman says:

        ‘You had me at 2 espressos.’
        I see the link between ofsted and madness – I get you now!
        I love your point of ‘I just want to go to work and teach the children the good way I know how and it doesn’t take all the hours in the week to do that. Jumping through hoops and filling in copious amounts of paper work for those delightful inspectors is what does take the time.’ Man I can relate to this (in a charity equivalent way).
        I like your next comment even more – ‘You are actually quite funny.’ Yes, you are correct.
        iPads in schools – love your expertise.
        To sum up – I love you Sarah Heather. And teachers too.
        Xxx

  3. Start with police commissioner ( well I have no idea who to vote for) then work up!!

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