October 6, 2012 by benmblackman
Please ensure you listen to a suitable uplifting electro 90’s pop tune to accompany my following (shouted and fist on table pounded) pledges. You can click on this link for D:Ream – Things Can Only Get Better
::START READING AGAIN::
4 Day Week
No Carrier Bags
An environmentally friendly carriage solution will be issued at birth and will, literally, be a ‘bag for life.’ Don’t come crying to me if you lose it, it’s the only one you’ll get. Subsidies for (funky) Granny style wheely trolley things will be available to all.
Set Age Group Days at Supermarkets
One of my more controversial policies will see age group brackets being allocated set days of the week to visit supermarkets. This will ensure the same speed and intensity of shopping is maintained on any given day (eg. Monday’s are OAP days where a more relaxed, pushing in, moaning element of shopping is found compared to Friday’s which are 18-30’s days where a bigger emphasis on WKD, frozen pizza and tobacco purchasing is found).
Bank of Dave becomes Bank of England
Bank of Dave will be rolled out across the UK. A suitably charismatic (and mad) ‘Dave’ from each region will be appointed to oversee each regional franchise (all reporting to my new Governor of the Bank of England, ‘King of Dave’s’ – Dave Fishwick).
Refused credit based on the fact that you once missed a payment on a Britannnia Music Club scheme back in 1989 will no longer apply. Your local Dave will assess each credit application at face value. If you’re ‘good for it’ and he trusts you, you’re in.
Rich people will invest their money in Bank of Dave to ensure poor people can borrow it.
Free Milk in Schools
The Prime Minister’s of tomorrow (please note, in reality, only my daughter is likely to fulfill this role) will once more get free milk at school. Ipad’s will be banned and handwriting encouraged. Turkey Twizzlers will be out and healthy options promoted. Home Economics and languages championed once more, Sports Days will be compulsory. Health & Safety excuses will not be tolerated.
A new key area of inspection for OFSTED will focus around teachers who insist on pretending to friends and family that they have a hard life. Any teacher trying to con the masses that 13 weeks holiday a year is a difficult gig will be made an example of. ‘But we have to work late a lot.’ You’re fired.
Free Espresso at Work
To make up for the fact that teachers now hate me, they can have 2 each per day.
Anybody calling this ‘expresso’ will be severely reprimanded.
Workers over the age of 65 (there are millions thanks to the mess our last governments got us in to) will have the option of their preferred choice ‘cappuccino.’ My Government will reintroduce the age 65 retirement age.
Free Music Festival Day Once a Year
Like the Fête de la Musique in France, we will hold an annual public holiday celebrating the magical gift of music. A 24 hour celebration to mark the beginning of the summer solstice, amateur and professional musicians will be encouraged to perform in the streets. All concerts must be free to the public and musicians must donate their time for free. On this special day of the year, Madonna is not permitted to perform or be seen wearing a leotard at any point. For clarification, H from Steps is not classed as a musician.
Virgin Trains to keep the West Coast Mainline
Virgin Trains will keep the West Coast Mainline (no questions asked). With their increased profits they will be required to offer all passengers free choc-ices (like on the planes). Their affordable weekend upgrades to First Class scheme will not be eligible for: football supporters wearing full replica kits and any members of society who cannot display restraint with regards to ‘complimentary’ products on offer in the promised land. Free water? It’s just water people!
No VAT on Lady Products
A clear vote winner with the ladies, ‘Lady Products’ will be zero rated VAT (you might remember from school debates that this is not the case – also, that testing on animals and capital punishment are bad). In return, men will never be expected to buy such products at shops on behalf of their girlfriends / wife’s and certainly not be required to acknowledge such products by name or engage in conversations about them at any time. Images of women swimming; diving; sprinting; dancing; skipping; jumping: horse riding; roller skating; performing gymnastics; will not be allowed in the advertising of ‘Lady Products.’
Dress down Fridays
Dress down Friday’s will be compulsory in all sectors (including Government). However, no politicians will ever be allowed to wear: chinos / polo shirt combination; jacket casually slung over shoulder; navy blue wollen jumper wrapped over shoulders.
‘Wacky’ ties will be banned in workplaces across the land. ‘The kids bought it for me’ is no excuse. You’re an adult, dress yourself and dress like one.
I will, of course, wear red trousers.
If you want two Big Ben’s in London, vote Blackman!