October 15, 2012 by benmblackman
Two weeks ago somebody asked me to, ‘write a blog about what you’d put into Room 101.’ Easy, I thought, but a week later I was struggling with a list of only six items (and they weren’t even good ones). Luckily, following three fun packed days of being financial audited at work last week, added to a healthy dose of sleep deprivation (financial auditing + toddler + George Michael concert), between the hours of 7.11am and 8.10am on Thursday morning alone I added another nine items. That was one every 6.5 minutes (man, I’m moody when tired).
Since then I’ve been on a roll, here is what I would put in Room 101:
Branded news stories – I’m not sure if the producers of Sky News and BBC News 24 have ever watched the 90’s series, The Day Today. If they have they should note, it’s satire, not a training tool!
Rubbish Hand dryers.
People who go to the toilet multiple times at performances and sporting occasions. ‘Sorry, can I just, um, ah, um, ah, get past? Sorry.’ (Multiplied several times an hour). Likewise, people who leave performances and sporting occasions early (‘sorry, can I just, um, ah, um, ah, get past? Sorry.’) Dude, why buy a ticket if you don’t want to watch the whole thing?
People who use iPads to take pictures in public places.
‘Price on application.’ You’ve got something to sell, you’re trying to sell it to us, just tell us how much it is will you? We don’t want to have to phone you up and get all your annoying sales patter unless we know what the price is first.
Emails with subject heading FYI. If you can’t even be bothered to tell me why it might require my reading, I can’t be bothered to read it!
Businessmen (and women – ok politically correct brigade, I know, you women are just as bad at this) who say ‘going forward.’ Nobody ever said this until five years ago but now you can’t get more than ten minutes into any business meeting without hearing the words, at least, once per sentence (going forward).
The Politically Correct Brigade.
Data Protection excuses. You can talk to me about my own frigging account (even if I can’t answer the security question I set back in 1996 (since which time, ‘I have slept’ and drunk a lot of alcohol – mainly years 1997-2002) so have forgotten it.
People who say, ‘I’ve slept since then,’ when you ask them a question.
No litter bins in train stations.
H from Steps.
Health & Safety excuses. You can do anything you want, don’t blame ‘Health & Safety legislation.’ It doesn’t stop you doing anything. Write a risk assessment and get it done you lazy so and so’s.
Over packaging in supermarkets. Bananas come in their own natural packaging (that clever skin stuff), they do not need a polythene bag or box to travel home in. Likewise, raspberry’s do not require a bed of bubble wrap to sit their delicate bottoms on.
Car alarms / house alarms / smoke alarms that go off in the early hours of the morning.
Text speke (especially in emails / letters) but in texts too, obviously. The last text I received from my Dad read: ‘Gr8. On R way 2. C U soon. Luv D.’ The man was a Bank Manager, had a stakeholder pension scheme from age 18 and listens to classical concerts on Radio 3 daily. WTF?!
Crap teapots in cafes.
Not knowing what time the film / concert actually starts. If I wanted to sit through 35 minutes of mind numbing adverts I would watch the XFactor final. Likewise, if I wanted to watch some talentless, mediocre support act for 35 minutes…I’d watch the XFactor final (see what I did there)?
People walking slowly in front of me Monday to Friday 8am to 6pm (when I’m rushing & stressing for work and they’re chilling).
People rushing & stressing around me Monday to Friday 8am to 6pm (when they’re working and I’m on annual leave chilling).
People who say ‘chilling.’
Ebay collections involving cash transactions of 99p and under.
When you ask a salesman for advice about a product in a big shop and they proceed to just read the label regarding the product in front of you. I can read you douchebag, I thought you were going to add something more to the mix, no?
People who say, ‘I don’t mind,’ when they do.
People who say, ‘I don’t mind – you decide,’ (even though you’ve said the same and really don’t mind) and then, when they do force you to decide something because they ‘don’t mind,’ (even though you really, actually don’t mind but know that they do) they then dismiss your idea and force the opposite. I didn’t mind but now you’ve made me decide, I do!
Mum’s who let big kids run riot in little kids Play Centre areas.
People who say ‘some of my best friends are [insert stereotyped group of people].’ What do you want, a badge?
People who say, ‘I don’t mean to be rude but…’ (and then they are).
Women who shout at you if you hold a door open for them.
Women who shout at you if you don’t hold a door open for them.
Women (only joking). ‘Some of my best friends are women.’