Pope on a Rope

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February 13, 2013 by benmblackman

It's fun to stay at the...

It’s fun to stay at the…

I’d like to be considered for appointment (or is that anointment) of the next Pope. It just makes sense. Doesn’t it?

Rebranding costs would be minimal for a start. Just cross off the ‘edict XVI’ on the business cards and I’m good to go.

Pope Ben edict XVI

I can see you need persuading.

More for Less

He's not clever and, probably not big either

As the Lord intended.

Obviously, ‘we are all in this together’ so the first thing I’d do (once I take charge of the worlds greatest economical superpower) would be to decommission the Popemobile. I would re-invest savings into wider reaching initiatives such as my completely unique bike lending scheme (available for hire outside all Churches across the land).

Literally, not re-inventing the wheel, Ben’s Bikes would learn from the highly successful Pope of London, Boris Johnson and expand the unquestionably (his words, not mine) success of that scheme worldwide. Forget opium and religion, it’s bikes the masses want.

Flexible Working Arrangements

BritPop(e). Mad fer it.

BritPop(e). Mad fer it.

Further costs savings would be achieved through my home based working Monday to Friday. I would conduct any essential audiences, prayers and meetings via webcam (available to my fans; sorry followers; believers? What are they called? I need a spin doctor. Is Max Clifford available)? I’d travel (Learjet) to give live performances of mass on Sunday (the new Friday).

Skills & Experience

Maybe if they took the shades off they'd find what they were looking for.

Maybe if they took the shades off they’d find what they were looking for.

I spent 13 years of my life being brainwashed (oh, educated, is that what it was?) at Catholic Primary and Secondary schools so am pretty well versed in how to link any U2 or M People song to a religious message.

I would learn from the efficiencies of school based mass religion promotion. For one year, confessions were innovatively carried out through the medium of, ‘write down you confession on the piece of paper found under your seat, fold it up and then put it in the bins coming round.’ What did they do with the paper in the bins? Burn them, of course. There was some kind of symbol to all of this but we didn’t learn it. God is nothing compared to pyromania, to a schoolboy. After the third time they did this, when we were sure that they were definitely going to burn the papers (not read them and pass them over to parents or relevant authorities) a few scoundrels wrote down humorous, silly, confessions on the papers. Not I Lord.

An epiphany struck me one day (delivered directly through my Dad). It told me I was to be an Alter Boy. For many years I followed my chosen path, serving at masses, christenings and weddings (they were the big tippers). Funerals were never as fun but, hey, they paid the bills.

Puff Daddy. Dr Dre was on the Organ.

Puff Daddy. Dr Dre was on the Organ.

Ringing the bell (like a maniac) was my favorite bit, that and incense. Our church didn’t use incense much so when it did, we went BIG! After the fifth service when the smoke alarm went off in the church it was deemed more sensible for myself and another, wholly untrustworthy, character to exit the main church after each incense burst. The priest was not blameless in this, by the way, he loved puff too. We were trusted to look after the incense burner thing (I forget its’ real name) in the changing room (again, I forget its’ real name). There we would pile it in until our hearts were content. Once I’ve retired as Pope, I’ll probably become Prime Minister, so I would just like to confirm, we didn’t inhale.

Since leaving the church (I had to progress other more important things such as recreational binge drinking and stalking girls) I have remained close to the Lord.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no - YES!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no – YES!

Just a few years back I worked for the RSPCA and was the natural choice to give a reading at the upcoming animal blessing. You know the Vicar of Dibley? I’m pretty sure it was based on that afternoon. Nervous about reading in front of 250 people? Not much, it was the snakes I was worried about. They were kicking off a bit trying to get to the mice, gerbils and rats. Obviously the dogs and cats were respecting each others place in God’s green and pleasant land, not going mental at all. A parrot did actually escape and did actually repeat ‘Amen, Amen, Amen’ but nobody believes me!

Outsourcing Security


Excuse me? Can you put that back please?

Ok, we’ve beaten around the bush on this one too long. Under my régime (I mean dictatorship – DOH – I mean guidance) I will ensure no church roof is ever robbed of its’ copper again. If the Lord does not chooseth to watcheth over us enough to prevent this, worry not, I know a bloke who works for G4S. You can always rely on those guys!

Vote Ben

So there you have it, when it comes to the vote, please do Vote Ben. If you don’t happen to be a practicing Cardinal who qualifies for a vote through the College of Cardinals (blimey, didn’t you know about the College of Cardinals?) then please forward this onto your local contact.


And remember – Jesus is the Reason for the Season. (This only really works at Christmas time.)


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