March 5, 2013 by benmblackman
The, soon to be, internationally acclaimed Young Adult Writer who goes by the name of @Vicky_Walters said to me, ‘we should create an ultimate playlist.’
Considering she possibly has a stranger music collection than I, this was a worrying situation.
Of course I concluded, ‘Yes, we bloody well should but where would you even start?’
‘God knows I have too many albums to count,’ she admitted.
Same here. On CD; Vinyl; iPod; Computer; Phone (all of those plural). I’ve even got some tapes somewhere dating back to when I used to record the Top 40. I really should update my CV to include, ‘Grand Master of High Speed Dubbing’.
‘I can’t do it, it’s impossible,’ I said. ‘I reckon I could pick a top 100 albums but I couldn’t narrow it down more than that.’
She wanted to see the top 100.
‘Don’t make me do it. 250?’ I pleaded. ‘I’d basically list every single album ever made (aside from the Jedward one).’
What can I say? I’m greedy for music. I like it all. Rock; pop; soul; swing; jazz (well not much but the stuff that doesn’t make me feel like I’m going insane I can cope with); hiphop; reggae; blues; country; I could go on. One hit wonders; 1930’s to present day; any continent or country of origin (‘even the French’). To me, if you love music, you’ve got to love a lot of it.
So, my top albums – well that would just be boring. It’d be a lot easier if I gave you my bottom ten. A list of what I don’t actually like. How’s that?
Ben’s Musical Bottom Ten (but don’t count them).
Florence & the Machine (but mainly her). Yes she has an amazingly ‘powerful’ (I say loud) voice but you don’t have to use it all the time do you? Stop shouting. Shhhh.
Are they Human or Just Dancers?
The Killers. I just don’t get it.
Two of the greatest men in the universe, who both know far more about music than you and I by the way – Dermot ‘O Leary and Noel Gallagher – get the X Factor for what it is. If they can, you can too. Yes it’s corporate ridiculousness. They’ve all sold out before they’ve even started but take it for what it is. Enjoy some of it (you are allowed you know), shout at the rest but don’t get too serious. Also, of course it’s a fix! Get over it.
The difficult 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th Albums
Radiohead (after OK Computer). Everything since then. What the?!
Popstars; Fame Academy; XFactor; even The Voice; it matters not to me where you have come from but anybody who starts getting too serious and ‘artisty’ gets voted off my playlists pretty quickly.
I’m looking at you WILL YOUNG. Evergreen was a cracking start to your manufactured pop career. What happened after that though? You started going all diva on us didn’t you? Dude, you sing songs for a living. Much as that is a wonderful thing to do, it is only one step up from karaoke you know? You don’t fight on the front line, save lives, or even leave a lasting musical legacy. So suck it up fella and chill out on the big (Will) I am can’t you?
The Levellers. Half because they were rubbish, the other half because it annoys ‘the crusties’ (as I like to call their fans) SO much!
I like a good boyband as much as the next man but the Westlife boys have never done it for me. Not one song. They’re just not trying hard enough for my liking.
On the contrary, I think the reason Steps always irked me so and impressed me never was the fact they tried too hard. That, and they were absolutely terrible.
2 Kool 4 for Skool Me
Kraftwerk. I always want to like them because, well you’re meant to if you’re serious about music aren’t you? But I don’t think I could name one track (they’re called tracks if you’re as cool as Kraftwerk by the way). Could you? Really? Anyhow, if you can’t do it on karaoke what’s the point? Don’t judge me.
Apart from the album nobody else liked, I’ve never been a fan of Kylie Minogue. I just don’t believe her. The album nobody else liked was honest. That made it good. Also she didn’t use that annoying voice effect that makes her sound a bit like Cher.
I would do Anything for Music but I won’t Buy That
Meatloaf – I think we can all agree on this one? I shouldn’t need to elaborate.
I got 99 Problems…and they’re all in the Same Band
Chumbawumba – Ditto.
It’s so Cheerful you’re Meant to Love It but…
And my all time, ultimate, I really should like this or it will highlight what a grumpy bastard I really am but I can’t help it, award goes to: The Boo Radleys – Wake up Boo. I used to get up at 6am for a paper-round. This played in the paper shed more than once. It’s good to know, even as a 15 year old boy I was a grumpy old man!
Don’t disagree with any of my selections above (you would be wrong to do so) but please do tell me your Bottom 10 (or 13).