September 2, 2013 by benmblackman
Late on Tuesday night Mrs B informed me of the sad news. She had been unsuccessful in her third ebay attempt of the week. We’ve got a (top secret) ‘thing’ going on right now that really needs lots of ‘things’ buying for it so this was important (for once). Not like the usual tatt she ends up buying (and making me collect).
Well obviously I stepped up to the plate because, everybody knows, I am the KING of ebay. I’ve got form you see. It started off in the early days, back in 2001. I collected a great abundance of Sclub7 memorabilia. Tatt? How very dare you. Investments I saw them as. The CD clock with lollypop sticks for hands is far too precious to have in the house these days. I mean, what if it broke? At least that’s what Mrs B tells me.
So on Wednesday night I had been given my targets and budgets (first rule of ebay – have a budget…but then triple it in the final seconds of the auction as you panic and can’t bear to lose to another cyberfiend). That’s what I love about eBay – it’s got nothing to do with the taking part – it’s all about the winning. I don’t buy things on eBay, oh no, I WIN things!
At 9pm I was watching Breaking Bad whilst bidding on several targets. Could life GET any tenser than that? Answer – no. I soon realised I was out of my depth winning the first, taking my eye off the ball (Breaking Bad – it needs a lot of attention alright) for the second but claiming a stunning victory in the final seconds of the third.
If you’re an absolute idiot on twitter which, of course, I’m not (@ben_blackman – I mostly tweet about economics and politics – totes!) I might have said something along the lines of:
In your FACE all other 7 eBay bidders. I win with 9 seconds to go £69.42 winning bid. #jerassicpark
I nearly live tweeted the final auction of the night but by now ebay paranoia was rife. I worried if I did then the whole of twitter would bid against me so I kept quiet until the giant wooden crate was won (it’s a secret ok – no I won’t tell you why we need that and no – we’re not going into magic)!
My work here was done. Excellent game Blackman, I thought. The End…
…except that is never the case with ebay is it? Because large items need collecting. I could write a frigging book on ebay purchase and sales transactions. It would be titled – Mrs B never does them I always have to!
On Thursday I was scheduled in for 2 pick ups. The first was from an area I can only presume they use for riot training, such was the state of the place. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve lived in the real world during my years but this place topped anywhere I’d been before.
As if standing in a strangers house undertaking cash transactions isn’t issue enough, in this case I stood in the middle of a living room, flanked by an L shape sofa, upon which sat 5 of the scariest
looking, power shake drinking, meat heads I have ever stood so close to in my life. ‘Have you got the cash?’ the man said as he moved the furniture into the room with one arm. Just as I was nodding happily to him I remembered where I had the cash. In my daughters Princess Barbie Purse, of course. I mean, why wouldn’t I have brought the cash in that?
‘Oh ello, lov,’ the first said nudging his steroid pumped mate in the bicep.
‘Oh, suits you sir,’ he was next.
‘Buy yerself something nice love.’
‘Have you got enough pocket money for this?’
‘Do you want a receipt for your Mummy darling?’
I could go on. They did.
Cash transacted, I moved the furniture to the car. Obviously none of the A-Team helped me. They took great delight watching me use ‘slightly’ more force than one arm to move the thing. Arms, legs, even my chin was involved at one point. Thanks very much fellas, it’s been a pleasure.
Thank goodness the next pick up was a lot easier in terms of assistance and cash transaction. After helping me to the car with the goods it just left the cash element now. ‘Well, thanks very much for your help Lesley. Lovely to meet you. Oh, here’s the penny.’ AWKWARD!
I got home, emptied the car, slumped down on the sofa happy it was finally all over. I had hunted, I had gathered. I was ready to rest.
‘Good news about the pick up tomorrow,’ Mrs B piped up. ‘The dresser separates in half and it turns out PornagraphicPriestess is just a man called Nigel.’