September 21, 2013 by benmblackman
I always knew it would lead to this. We started off with CBeebies but before long she craved the harder stuff. Nick Jnr. reeled her in with Bubble Guppies and she’s been hooked ever since.
Nick Jnr. is, to small children, what the 24 hour garage was to students (before the advent of 24 hour drinking and shopping and, well, everything really).
In true 24 hour counter culture, Nick Jnr. feels the hours of CBeebies (6am-7pm) don’t quite provide young children with enough mindless nonsense in one day, so they broadcast throughout day and night. Just in case the little fellas need to catch up on the latest episode of Ben & Holly’s Little Kingdom when they get back late from the pub?
But how do they pay for this? How can they afford to provide our children with such a vital national service (so cruelly cut short every evening by Auntie over at CBeebies)? Oh, maybe it’s with the adverts they bombard them with every 15 flipping minutes. Again, and again, and again. The Calpol Kid is really good at them – she knows all the words now!
We’re at the time of year where all the advertisers have upped their game and output – Christmas is approaching. At least, that’s what they’re making sure the kids and us parents know.
It has begun: ‘I want that.’ ‘I want that.’ ‘I want that.’ ‘I want that.’
It started off as you would expect with Barbies; Tiny Tears; various items of plastic (in no way fantastic) jewelry and such like, things I’d presume my daughter of 4 years might actually want. But yesterday when she told me, most earnestly, that she not only wanted but definitely NEEDED Hot Wheels I realised we had a problem.
She wants Wonga, asked me if I could give her a Wowcha, and is particularly interested in claiming PPI, presumably on some Child Trust Fund Vouchers she was mis-sold by New Labour?
Last night she performed the full British Gas advert to me in a performance so moving, I almost phoned them up (like they’ve been asking me to for the last 3 years) to arrange for them to put a new meter in. If it wasn’t for the fact the only times they can put said meter in are times of the day, on dates I am predisposed earning a living trying to pay their astronomically overinflated bills, they might have more luck!
But she won’t hear a word against them. Or any of her favourite companies of the moment:
I know for a fact, she’s particularly interested in AXA Life Cover. Does she know something I don’t because she really seems interested in making sure, ‘your family has something to fall back on, should there be an unwanted incident in your life’. You mean death don’t you AXA? They mean death! Blimey, that’s some deep shit (man) for in between Dora the Explorer and Yo Gabba Gabba. I wonder what sort of pension she’s going to pump for?
I can understand her ambition to ‘float, twirl…and fly – with the Flying Fairy by Flutter By’ but Pampers – what’s her obsession with Pampers? She hasn’t even worn a nappy for 2 and a half years but she loves their propaganda. Adverts, I mean adverts.
‘I want.’ ‘I want.’ ‘I want.’
She really wants the new Octonauts Deep Sea Octo-Land (who wouldn’t)? But a weekend family break at Butlins (who would)?
The Barbie Colour & Design Salon Doll will be nowhere near as good in real life as the advert, I bet you. Not that I play with such items myself to form opinions, of course.
The Fisher Price Roll ‘n’ Go Garage – I’d quite like this myself really. Disney Pixar’s: Toy Story Power Punch Buzz – ditto. Pillow pets – I’ll take the lot!
Ok, I get her point now. But then we got back to the craziness. She keeps telling me how much she loves Iams. I wouldn’t mind if she wanted them for the cat but I think she just likes the voice over.I had to put a stop to it all when I walked in on her totally engrossed in an advert for Welsh Lamb. Before she could utter the mantra, ‘I want that,’ I reminded her of the last time she ate lamb, in Wales. I don’t want to go into it now but let’s just say Nanny’s carpet is still being cleaned, regularly.
This blog has been brought to you in association with Nick Jnr…Bubble Guppies…CBeebies…Barbie...Tiny Tears...Hot Wheels…Wonga…Wowcha…PPI…Child Trust Fund…New Labour…British Gas...AXA Life Cover…Dora the Explorer…Yo Gabba Gabba…Flying Fairy by Flutter By…Pampers…Octonauts Deep Sea Octo-Land…Butlins…The Barbie Colour & Design Salon Doll…Fisher Price Roll ‘n’ Go Garage… Disney Pixar’s Toy Story Power Punch Buzz…Pillow Pets…Welsh Lamb.
(One of them better send me something for free. Not you British Gas – I’ve told you – I do NOT want a new meter.)