I want I want I Want

7

September 21, 2013 by benmblackman

If you know Nick Jnr. you'll know these bloody lunatics.

If you know Nick Jnr. you’ll know these bloody lunatics.

I always knew it would lead to this. We started off with CBeebies but before long she craved the harder stuff. Nick Jnr. reeled her in with Bubble Guppies and she’s been hooked ever since.

Nick Jnr. is, to small children, what the 24 hour garage was to students (before the advent of 24 hour drinking and shopping and, well, everything really).

In true 24 hour counter culture, Nick Jnr. feels the hours of CBeebies (6am-7pm) don’t quite provide young children with enough mindless nonsense in one day, so they broadcast throughout day and night. Just in case the little fellas need to catch up on the latest episode of Ben & Holly’s Little Kingdom when they get back late from the pub?

These Part Timers are only on 12 hours a day.

These Part Timers are only on 12 hours a day.

But how do they pay for this? How can they afford to provide our children with such a vital national service (so cruelly cut short every evening by Auntie over at CBeebies)? Oh, maybe it’s with the adverts they bombard them with every 15 flipping minutes. Again, and again, and again. The Calpol Kid is really good at them – she knows all the words now!

We’re at the time of year where all the advertisers have upped their game and output – Christmas is approaching. At least, that’s what they’re making sure the kids and us parents know.

It has begun: ‘I want that.’ ‘I want that.’ ‘I want that.’ ‘I want that.’

Neeeeeeeeeeed.

Neeeeeeeeeeed.

It started off as you would expect with Barbies; Tiny Tears; various items of plastic (in no way fantastic) jewelry and such like, things I’d presume my daughter of 4 years might actually want. But yesterday when she told me, most earnestly, that she not only wanted but definitely NEEDED Hot Wheels I realised we had a problem.

Daddy, what's a Wocher? It's like a voucher but a bit shitter. Daddy, what's a Voucher?

‘Daddy, what’s a Wowcher?’ ‘It’s like a voucher but a bit shitter.’ ‘Daddy, what’s a Voucher?’

She wants Wonga, asked me if I could give her a Wowcha, and is particularly interested in claiming PPI, presumably on some Child Trust Fund Vouchers she was mis-sold by New Labour?

Last night she performed the full British Gas advert to me in a performance so moving, I almost phoned them up (like they’ve been asking me to for the last 3 years) to arrange for them to put a new meter in. If it wasn’t for the fact the only times they can put said meter in are times of the day, on dates I am predisposed earning a living trying to pay their astronomically overinflated bills, they might have more luck!

But she won’t hear a word against them. Or any of her favourite companies of the moment:

Laughing all the way to the bank. Bastards.

Laughing all the way to the bank. Bastards.

I know for a fact, she’s particularly interested in AXA Life Cover. Does she know something I don’t because she really seems interested in making sure, ‘your family has something to fall back on, should there be an unwanted incident in your life’. You mean death don’t you AXA? They mean death! Blimey, that’s some deep shit (man) for in between Dora the Explorer and Yo Gabba Gabba. I wonder what sort of pension she’s going to pump for?

I can understand her ambition to ‘float, twirl…and fly – with the Flying Fairy by Flutter By’ but Pampers – what’s her obsession with Pampers? She hasn’t even worn a nappy for 2 and a half years but she loves their propaganda. Adverts, I mean adverts.

‘I want.’ ‘I want.’ ‘I want.’

...even better when you get home!

…even better when you get home!

She really wants the new Octonauts Deep Sea Octo-Land (who wouldn’t)? But a weekend family break at Butlins (who would)?

The Barbie Colour & Design Salon Doll will be nowhere near as good in real life as the advert, I bet you. Not that I play with such items myself to form opinions, of course.

The Fisher Price Roll ‘n’ Go Garage – I’d quite like this myself really. Disney Pixar’s: Toy Story Power Punch Buzz – ditto. Pillow pets – I’ll take the lot!

Ok, I get her point now. But then we got back to the craziness. She keeps telling me how much she loves Iams. I wouldn’t mind if she wanted them for the cat but I think she just likes the voice over.

[Insert your own Welsh jokes]

[Insert your own Welsh jokes]

I had to put a stop to it all when I walked in on her totally engrossed in an advert for Welsh Lamb. Before she could utter the mantra, ‘I want that,’ I reminded her of the last time she ate lamb, in Wales. I don’t want to go into it now but let’s just say Nanny’s carpet is still being cleaned, regularly.

This blog has been brought to you in association with Nick Jnr…Bubble Guppies…CBeebiesBarbie...Tiny Tears...Hot Wheels…WongaWowchaPPIChild Trust Fund…New LabourBritish Gas...AXA Life Cover…Dora the Explorer…Yo Gabba GabbaFlying Fairy by Flutter By…PampersOctonauts Deep Sea Octo-Land…Butlins…The Barbie Colour & Design Salon Doll…Fisher Price Roll ‘n’ Go GarageDisney Pixar’s Toy Story Power Punch Buzz…Pillow Pets…Welsh Lamb.

(One of them better send me something for free. Not you British Gas – I’ve told you – I do NOT want a new meter.)

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7 thoughts on “I want I want I Want

  1. isabelrogers says:

    I’ve tried to keep mine off commercial telly for as long as I can. The 9yo has broken out now, but we’ve come to a compromise: he has to mute the adverts. We had a LONG conversation about how they manipulate and that if his little 3yo sister happens to be watching with him she won’t be as clever as he is to see through their tricks (flattery always good).

  2. MelJD46 says:

    We were brought up hardly watching independent tv, certainly childrens tv and the mantra,” if its advertised on tv, dont ask because you wont get it”. I have a couple of friends who just dont let their children watch tv,they all do other stuff, playing with toys and playing together, reading. The imagination is an amazing tool, given half a chance ….

    • benmblackman says:

      You’re not wrong Mel. These days, with the right mix, technology can offer an added bonus for children’s imaginations, learning, and leisure. But it can never be to the detriment of actual doing, feeling, touching, imagining and playing.

  3. Hobbsy says:

    Very funny

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