A Calpol Christmas – Volume 1


December 16, 2013 by benmblackman

A Calpol Christmas – Volume 1

“It’s the lead up I love.” Well, at least that’s what I thought. I love Christmas but, as you know, from the point of view of a small child things don’t always go as swimmingly as you’d like, do they?

Taylor Swift

The Calpol Kid does Taylor Swift

Exhibit A: Flip Chart Childcare

But now she’s a ‘big girl’ in Year R (you know, Reception Class – in the Eagles Massiiiive. That’s the Yellow Team. She’s also in Apples but I’m not really sure what that’s for. They love teams in her school). So, I was sure it would be different this year.

Things started off so well with our first ever Nativity performance. I was looking forward to this for weeks and those cheeky Key Stage One-ers (4–7 years olds for you Muggles out there) didn’t let me down. Christmas With Aliens was, without doubt, THE best 40 minutes of live entertainment I have ever seen in my life. Considering I have seen both Atomic Kitten and SClub7 in their pomp, I think you’ll realise I don’t use this plaudit lightly.

By the way, I don’t just say this because my daughter was involved. The lot of them were hilarious!

Alien 4 - Christmas with Aliens…this time they're getting Nativity

“Alien 4 – Christmas with Aliens…this time they’re getting Nativity”

90 (NINETY) children, performing for the forth time in a  week, this time at 7pm at night – what could possibly go wrong?

Amongst the 73 photos I took of proceedings, you’d be hard pushed to find 1 in which one of the ensemble is not:

i)  Yawning;

ii) Picking Nose;

iii) Scratching Bum;

iv) Lifting items of clothing up to expose midrift / undergarment;

v) Turning around so back is to audience.

vi) Turning around so back is to audience + scratching Bum.

vii) Turning around so back is to audience + scratching Bum + picking nose.

Some of the best bits played out before our very eyes were not even in the script. During the course of proceedings, 2 girls and 1 boy in front of us had:

A love affair (1 of the girls and the boy – although she did seem a lot more keen on this than he);

A fight (the 2 girls – well he was very good looking);

And, in one of the most moving passages of time I’ve seen in my short life thus far, they found a piece of mud on the floor, all 3 of them caressed and inspected as if it contained the meaning of life itself.

Give me a siiiiiiiiign

Give me a siiiiiiiiign

The Calpol Kid was resplendent throughout, often taking a break from belting out the numbers, with the intensity of Darius from Popstars, to partake in a bit of yawning and arm stretching of her own before remembering she was in a show and returning to the singing with further sincerity of an XFactor participant who just ‘wants it a million percent’.

If you told me I could watch it again tomorrow, I’d pay 40 quid, no questions asked.

But they’re high maintenance these stars of stage and (iphone) screen and, as the week progressed, trouble was building. Christmas joy was high, but good behaviour was low. By Saturday afternoon we had, what can only be described as, a naughty little Eagle.

Might as well cut out the middle man next year

Might as well cut out the middle man next year

When I arrived home that afternoon I found her eating chocolate from the tree (all of them). Some would question my logic in proceeding to undertake a father & daughter bonding exercise – making chocolate chip cookies together.  So what if the main ingredient, aside from chocolate chips, was sugar? In hindsight ‘we’ may have played a part in the bad behavior that followed for the remainder of the weekend.

Although, Mrs B helpfuly pointed out, “She’s been good as gold whilst I’ve been with her.” Before heading out to a Christmas party for the night.

I was on my own.

I can’t pinpoint one specific incident of ill behaviour, mainly because there were about 357 between 5pm and bedtime alone. Opening 31.4% of the only present under our tree (from Aunty Rita and Uncle John) was perhaps her lowest point. I had only turned away for a minute. It’s all it takes.

“I don’t know what’s in it though Daddy, I didn’t look…

…it’s a Moxy Girl! … oops.”

Click for Peace & Love!

Click for Peace & Love!

After explaining to her why this was such ‘disappointing behaviour’ (at least half in spoken rather than shouted word) I was pretty sure my message had been well received and headed when she responded, “Peace and love, peace and love daddy. Not anger. Peace and love.”

Thanks Ringo.

A few moments later, as I sobbed into my cushion, she walked past me, “Peace and quiet and love, Daddy.” Chance would be a fine thing!




One thought on “A Calpol Christmas – Volume 1

  1. […] really should read A Calpol Christmas before this one but, in case you can’t be bothered, a quick LA Law style […]

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